There’s an American blog I read from time to time that goes by the name of Gin and Tacos. It has an irregular feature entitled FJM, in which the author takes egregiously stupid comment articles and systematically destroys them for the edification of his readers. (FJM stands for Fire Joe Morgan, a now-defunct baseball blog whose sole purpose was this kind of analysis.) Since I quite like this concept, I’ve decided to shamelessly plagiarise draw inspiration from it as a means to demonstrate the shocking revelation that Amanda Platell is full of shit. Platell’s original brainfarts are in bold; my commentary’s in normal text:
Soaring immigration – and a migrant baby boom – has sent Britain’s population rocketing over the 61 million mark.
Really? So the Office for National Statistics are lying when they say that the rate of net immigration into the UK has dropped by 20% in the past four years? Or does ‘soaring’ mean ‘decreasing’ on your planet?
We are now the second most densely populated country in the world, something that will be all too apparent on the roads and trains this bank holiday weekend.
Sadly, though, it is not the indigenous middle-class, hard-working, tax-paying population that’s exploding.
Because the only people in this country who have jobs and pay taxes are the ones who live in detached mock-Tudor villas in Surrey and can trace their ancestry back to Alfred the Great. True fact.
According to statistics, our latest baby boom is partly down to high birth rates among immigrants, and partly due to rising numbers of younger mothers.
The Office for National Statistics thinks this latter trend is explained by young women putting babies before careers. Well, none of the young women I know is.
And you’re personally acquainted with a representative, statistically significant sample of young women in this country? The ONS might as well just abolish itself when we’ve got sages like you around.
So who are these younger mothers? It stands to reason that many of them must be teenagers.
And teenagers having children is evil. Nearly as evil as older women having children, probably. In fact, women should really only give birth between the ages of 25 and 28. Anything else is wrong and against nature.
How many of them are married or even have their children’s father around? How many have jobs or are supported by someone who does? How many live off benefits?
I don’t know. I’m sure you’re about to provide accurate figures, though – you’ve been so good at that so far.
No, what these figures really show is that our benevolent welfare system is actively encouraging girls to have babies young and alone.
Labour has, disgracefully, made single-motherhood a legitimate occupation.
Oh. Unsupported sweeping generalisations. Well, those are…nearly as good as actual informed opinions, right? It’s almost like you’re going to conclude by descending into a babble of non sequiturs, clichés and frothing-at-the-mouth rightwing alarmism that’s totally unjustified by any of the rest of what you’ve written, but surely you’re not that predictable…
My other worry is this: how many immigrant mums have contributed anything to this country before landing us with another child to educate in our already struggling schools?
Across Britain, one in four babies is born to a mother from overseas. The figure is 55 per cent in London, and in some places it’s as high as 75 per cent.
Small wonder, then, that many teachers find themselves struggling against the language barrier to raise educational standards.
At a time when the very core of Britishness is threatened, shouldn’t we be concerned about this?
In fact, as other figures showed this week, more than five million Brits have never worked under Labour, which suggests that far from importing workers, we need to get our own population into jobs.
The cost of unemployment in the UK is now £346 billion – with £100 billion of that paid in housing benefits alone.
The sad truth of the matter is that it’s not so much a baby boom we’re experiencing as a benefits boom. Middle Britain, stand ready to empty your wallets.